It's okay. I forgive everything.

I hope you know I loved you,
But you need to know I don't.
The problem still kills,
But you don't hurt me no more.
Your eyes, they're still the same,
But they don't see me no more.
My eyes, they're not the me you knew,
And they don't see you no more.
My fingers don't remember you,
My body doesn't feel your touch,
My mind, it doesn't think of you,
You're not mine, I'm not yours.
You used to cry when I did,
But you don't cry no more.
You used to laugh and smile at me,
But you can't hear me no more.
I used to believe that you'd love me,
But I don't love you no more.
I used to think your eyes would only see me,
But I don't know you no more.
You used to tell me "don't be scared",
But there's no us no more.

K, so.
I forget what I talked about last time, but I am in a fucking weirdass mood.
Which is good. But? Why did I say but? Whatever.
I just don't think about what I type, and it comes out, comes out? And it is good.
Usually. Mostly. I'm not high, promise. Not at all.
But I like, didn't talk to Brian for a little, after I sort of made it seem like I liked him.
I can totally 100% promise I do not like him. I'm tres certain of it.
I speak fluant French! Did you know that?
I really do. I have two classes in French.
I love French, I do. It is great. I like how edgy and raw french can be, and it has way too many syllables. Like, "Can I?" is "Est-ce que je peut?" in French. Soooo many syllables.
Ef, I am tired. Happy 1:48 a.m.!
Au matin. That's what that stands for. Hello, french!
Which came first, French or English? I totally don't even know!
Woah!
You'd think I'd know such things.
Well, maybe you wouldn't, but I would. I'm actually really smart. But I come off completely ditzy.
I've told you that before.
I am in a very tired bouncy bubbly insane jsngilIOGYHWEIOGH mood.
I am talking to Brian now. I don't want to tell him that I don't like him incase I ever like him again, 'cause I don't like it when people know how much I change my mind.
But actually! Case solved. About my ex. I know what I want to be to him.
I don't want to be his friend, I just want to be able to talk to him and hang out in the same groups as him. (All of our friends are mutual, so that def gets in the way)
I don't want to be his friend in October when he's going out with his girlfriend/ex that he emotionally cheated on with me.
(That is what happened last year, by the way. Exactly.)
Well Brian just sent me a fucking funny song!
Sex and Violence by The Exploited.
It's just "sex and violence, sex and violence", over and over again.
Sometimes people say 'over and over and over again' which is like when people say 'over-exaggerating' they're like double negatives or oxy morons, with that like, overdone vibe to them.
Gross. Overdone.
Overdone is just never a good thing, unless you're being avante-guarde about it.
Woah, the tempo just sped the shit up.
I am supermusical.
For the spring concert at my school, me and my friend Tyson are meshing together three songs:
1. People Are Strange by the Doors
2. Bridge
3. Either Follow Me by Uncle Cracker or something that I can't remember and it's making me insane.
4. Bridge
5. Lighthouse by Hush Sound
I sing, he plays piano. I play guitar, too, but I don't want to stand up and play guitar and sing at the same time, because that would limit my freedom, and ultimately lessen my fun.
So, no.
OhhhmydeargoodGod, I am tired.
I don't believe in God, really.
Sometimes I'm scared he exists and all my fornication and doubt and.. other stuff will send me to Hell for real. But then I realize that I wouldn't belong in Heaven anyway.
I am edgy and innovative and sex is my favourite, and I like dark films, and I am a bit dark, the way I want to be and the way I think is pretty dark.
I will always appear girly, but as my means extend I will become more edgy and dark, because that is just the way I'm meant to be.
Fashion will probably always be number one, but I'll have my own projects, as I do now.
Well, number one under whoever I fall in love with.
Love is the most important thing to me.
But I don't want to get married.
And I am NOT having kids.
With kids, it's not like, oh, at the moment I don't think I will want them.
It's more like I will fucking never have kids 'cause they bother me after they start to speak.
I know, that's so friggen terrible. But at least I recognize it in myself.
With marriage, it's like, well, if the person I love really wants to get married, and it means a lot to them, I might do it.
But that's not something I really aim for or want.
I am so tired. It's beyond.
I want to be a muse. Haha, I just remembered what this blog is called.
But, seriously, I want to be the muse to some huge designer, like Valentino or Posen.
I love Fendi! And I love this new line, by a new designer, she's Canadian, I forget her name, but it's so cool, she has this whole feminin et masculin thing going on, the link to her site is http://lilyandjae.com/. I love it. Specifically the coats and the dresses, but of course, dresses and skirts are all I wear. Oh, and ripped leggings. That's one 2009 trend I love.
I DO NOT LOVE THE FACKING HORIZONTAL STRIPES THING. Totally unwearable. Unless you are a pin. I'm not fat, but it's just an unrealistic trend.
I have to go to bed.
Xox moi

So, like, I forget what my last post was about, and now I'm here.
So I'll just talk about Brian.
I am such a fast typer! I feel like such a success!
Anyway, Brian.
I don't know about him anymore.
He's high right now.
I'm talking to him. Surprised? You shouldn't be.
I think I kind of told him earlier that I have feelings for him.
Major wtf'ing is what I'm doing right now.
I knew I loved him, but I didn't know I liked him.
WTF.
Anyway, it's not one of those weird things where we say "love you" and he means it like, "I love you, sis!" and i mean it like, "I'm in love with you".
First of all: That's fucking twisted.
Deuxiement: No. I'm not in love with him, I'm POSITIVE of that. I could definitely fall in love with him, if I could see him often, or touch him. (He lives really far away)
And THREE: He doesn't love me like a sister. He liked me, too. I don't think he does at the moment. I don't even think I really like him. I think I just think of him in a way that leans in that direction. And, I'm pretty sure he could also be in love with me. If we could be around eachother often.
But, he says I'm not broken.
Oh yeah! That's what I was talking about last time.
The guy who said I was broken.
But Brian says I'm not. And he's a smarty pants in some ways. So I believe him.

Combined sodium bicarbonate and acetic acid today in Science.
Baking soda and Vinegar. Yeah.
It was kind of fun. Kind of not.
Because my ex was like, a couple metres away.
And I still don't really know how we're being towards eachother.
Cos the girl he's with now is the girl he emotionally cheated on with me.
He was in love with me whilst with her... at this time last year. Huh.
Haha, funny how things end up. Well, end up. Nothing is over except me and him.
I kind of like the way things are going. I don't want to be friends with him.
But I want to be friends. You know what I mean?
Like a hand shake. "Friends?" "Friends."
That would be good.
I don't want to actually, like, talk to him often and actually be real friends, but I wouldn't mind if that was the title.
Because I'd like to be able to talk to him if I wanted to.
I kind of am able to already, but I want it to not be weird; which I don't think is impossible.
He cheated on me, and humiliated me. But he's a teenage boy. They're stupid.
I've had a long time to think about my public reaction to this.
And I'm pretty sure I've decided to publicly forgive him.
Whether I actually feel that way or not. I think it's better that way.

Okay, I have to type up a lab for Science.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Love anyone who follows this baby a ton ;).

So, I'm having a kind of bad day.
Did I tell you that I talked to my ex, like, last Thursday?
I think I did.
But, anyway, it was the first time in three months.
And I talked to him again today.
I still can't look him in the eyes.
Maybe it's because 99% of the times that I've looked into those eyes, those eyes said they loved me.
I'm pretty happy he doesn't love me anymore.
But it's still hard, beyond belief, to look him in the eyes. I can't do it.
ANYWAY, fuck. So hard to keep on subject. I'm such a spazz.
SO, yes. This guy who wants to fuck me, like terribly wants to fuck me (who doesn't?), and he just got high, and told me that my ex broke me.
That I'm broken, and I'm not fun anymore.
For some reason, that really got to me.
How he thinks I'm not fun, I know not.
I'm totally fun. And not in denial.
And no, this is not me being in denial about my denail or so on.
I'm just pissed today.
It's been a dumb as shit day.
Sometimes, I really hate life.
But just sometimes.
Whatever.
I have to go to a hockey game now.
More later.
I love this journal. I get to just rant off my ass.
It's amazing.
I was totally right about the figuring things out thing.

So, I'm pretty much beyond about Halloween.
I love it.
Like, I actually, seriously, LOVE Halloween.
I would make everyday Halloween, if I could.
It's so hot.
Look, I'm writing this more than a month before Halloween.
That should speak to you about how much I love the thing.

I'm being a sexy rag doll.
I'm so excited! AGH!
I get really overly excited about things, and then I can feel like, bubbles, in my stomach.
It's happiness, I think.
Or something leaning towards that.
But it is for sure happy.

I have bad habits, you know.
I constantly crack my knuckles, and have for the past.. uhm.. six years?
And it's made my fingers obviously crooked, but since I've lost weight, now they're skinny and spidery, and I really like them. Crooked fingers can be really dramatic.

And I chew the inside of my lips.
Like, right where my teeth are, and inside the corners of my mouth.
I chew the mucus membrane right offa there.
Once, on my right side, I hit a vein.
It was so gross and terrible, even though blood tastes good.
I don't really like blood.
Good for photography but not good for my mind.
I get disturbed easily, because my mind wanders to really odd places.

Oh! Another bad habit is always making big decisions.
I should leave that to someone else once in a while.
But I'm always the leader. I call all the shots.
I'm the confident one, in almost any group of people.
But sometimes I don't want all that weight on my shoulders.
It's more than nine percent of my body weight, and that's just not a good thing.
I am much too petite for that shit.
I'm only 5'1/2''.
Yeah, I'm really small. I really like it.
It suits me like crazy.

I have a huge personality, a big ego, really big style.
And I'm small.
Instead of swallowing me, these things balance out my size.

I'm really tired.
It's almost 4:00 in the morning.
Is that a song? Yes.

About a month ago, I decided to cut all my hair off.
I really liked it.
I'm pretty, so it looked good on me.
I look like Marilyn Monroe/Keira Knightley/Leighton Meester.
Marilyn Monroe: pretty much my whole face, even the shape.
Keira Knightley: lips, eyes and cheekbones.
Leighton Meester: whole mouth area, and cheeks.

I'm happy about this, because they are all beautiful.
Maybe one day I'll think I'm beautiful.
For now I just think I'm hot.
Huge difference.

I'm growing my hair really long now though.
Down to my waist. (Which btw, is not hips. It's the smallest part of you. That part right below your bustline.)
I have hair.. pretty much exactly like Leighton Meester.
So, it'll be good.
It probably won't take all that long.
Two years, about.

I'm excited for all the cool hairs I'll have in the growing out stage.
I've planned a bunch of them.

Anyway.
I'll post pictures of each hair I have.
I'll post a picture of myself now on this one.
But for lots of pictures, go to http://howtheylookatme.blogspot.com/.

I really want to be in love again.
Which is totally new.
For the past three months, I've been like, "fuck off, love, I hate you".
But I've had a change of heart.
More on this later today, after I've slept.
Love xox.

Here you go.
Me.
Fuzzy webcam picture, sorry.
It's the most recent one that actually looks like me.

3,6,9, Damn you're fine.

So, I basically did absolutely nothing today.
I finally got to actually sleep in for the first time in three weeks, so I slept in until noon, and of course, felt sick when I woke up.
That's an annoying thing about me; I always feel sick.
Oh well, my day was still good.
My room is conjoined with my bathroom, so, I basically locked myself into my bedroom/bathroom, listened to the radio and did makeup in underwear all day.
I like days like that.
I love makeup. I save three hours of every night for doing makeup.
Which is great, because I'll never need someone to do my makeup for me when I'm superfamous.
Mhm, I'm going to be famous.
And not for being something stupid, like being a Jordin Sparks ;) .
No, I'm new. Don't worry, you can't find another girl like me.
I talk to this guy, Brian (not his real name), everyday.
I used to really like him, like A LOT, but I made myself not like him, because I was with my now ex-boyfriend, who made a hellofalot of promises that he couldn't keep.
But, I've wasted like, three months being mad at him, and I talked to him for the first time since the breakup laaaast Thursday, and I just don't want to talk about that anymore. (For angry poetry about him, go to http://beautifulpeopleonly.blogspot.com )
So, sorry you guys missed that whole thing of my life.
At least his new girlfriend is like, ten times less hot than me. That fact is so weirdly satisfying.
And the fact that I can be like, "Hey, bitch. Who fucked your boyfriend last?" if she ever says a single bad word to me. (The answer is me. I fucked him last.)
But, anyway, BRIAN, he's great.
I love him a lot, in a kind of unexplainable way.
As more than a friend, but not in the direction of being in love with him.
More like a part of me; that's how I love him.
We're pretty much polar opposites.
I believe that happiness, love and inner-self-peace are the most important and almost unattainable things in the world - he just wants the world to blow up.
Right there, that should show you how inexplicably different we are.
He's two years older than me (I'm fourteen, I'll be fifteen this day next month).
I'm a spaz, and he's pretty much always calm.
I'm going to come off like a real ditz, but I think after a while of reading my writings, you'll realize I'm actually really smart and pensive, I'm just into being a girl. And that pretty much always comes off ditzy.
I'm actually pretty scared, but I don't usually allow that to be admitted to myself.
Scared that I'll end up alone, scared that there isn't one perfect person for me, scared of dying, scared that I'll die unsatisfied.
I project confidence, security, and I'm completely glam in every way, but that's not everything about me.
Truth is, I have a lot of almost every kind of person in me.
Like, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm rebellious, I'm peaceful.
I'm so many conflicting factors.
But, now I have to go watch 17 Again, which I really don't think I'll like.
Just to set the record straight, I hate shit like Twilight.
I'm a teenaged girl, but I'm not fucking stupid.
I'm on neither Team Jacob or Team Edward.
They can both suck my dick.
:)
(I'm also not too vulgar, only about things I effing hate, k?)

If you want to destroy my sweater.

So, hi!
I don't really know exactly where to start explaining myself.
I'm eclectic, and stylish, and I love Vogue.
I'm going to be a model/actress/singer/author.
I love fashion and makeup.. a lot.
I don't overuse makeup, but I know how to alter a face, that's for damn sure.
I love music, but doesn't everyone now?
I think I'm pretty hot. So does your boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm hella cocky.
But I know what's real, and what's not.
I'm really bitchy, overly confident, and super-ambitious.
But I'm a good friend, I'm adventurous, and I love being happy.
This blog is hopefully going to become a daily journal.
If I can keep it up :) .
I have two other blogs at http://beautifulpeopleonly.blogspot.com and http://howtheylookatme.blogspot.com .
One for pictures, and one for poetry.
I just needed a journal.
I'm pretty sure writing what happens every day might help me figure things out, you know?